Several years ago, I watched a documentary that had a life changing impact on me. It was about a study comparing different parenting styles among different cultures. Young children and their mothers were placed in a playroom and, with the aid of hidden cameras, were observed interacting with one another. The contrast in the methods used by the mothers to communicate with their children was very interesting. While the typical American moms were seen communicating frequently with verbal commands and conversation, the Asian moms were seen using very few verbal commands or conversation yet their children played better with the other children, were more respectful to their mothers and generally seemed more content.
As I watched this documentary, I took inventory of my own interactions with my children. I knew that I was much like the typical American moms. I would attempt to control or modify my children’s behavior with explanations to them about what I wanted trying to reason with them or convince them to behave the way I wanted them to. The results were less than admirable and often ended in raised voices with little improvement in behavior. I didn’t enjoy watching the mothers who used these same tactics during the documentary. I knew I wanted to be more like the mothers who got better results with much less verbal communication.
If the Asian moms were not verbally communicating with their children, how did they get better behaved children? They communicated with their children but the communication was subtle and if not silent, it was very quiet. A nod of the head or a look of disapproval from these moms and their children obediently altered their behavior accordingly. There was no pleading, explaining or bargaining going on. There was no defiant arguing from mother or child. There was no physical contact, no dragging or pulling on the child to attempt to force obedience. Just a mom tuned in to her children and children tuned in to their mom. Unacceptable behavior was halted before it got out of hand, before it was noticed by anyone else.
I determined I would be more like these Asian moms. I began using less conversation and more visual cues. I began to communicate my desires before the unacceptable behavior became noticeable to others. I was amazed how well the boys responded. They learned “the look”, they heard the snap of my fingers. It seemed that the more subtle and quiet I became, the more they had to be tuned in to me. Their behavior improved. They knew what to expect from me and I knew they would respond. They were content. I was calm.
I have recently been watching Cesar Millan — The Dog Whisperer. His techniques for gaining control of dogs are very similar to those I had adopted to gain control of my boys. He calls it being calm and assertive. With this calm assertiveness, he gains respect and trust from the dogs. They accept his leadership. He steps in to alter the dog’s behavior before it gets to the “melt down” stage. The dogs feel safe because of the boundaries he has set. They don’t have to be yelled at or drug by their leash to get them to go where he wants them to go. The dogs accept him as their authority figure, their pack leader. They respond to the slightest tug on the leash or movement of his hand or firm verbal command. They trust him because he has proven himself to be trustworthy.
There are other authority figures that command this kind of response. When I’m driving down the highway and I see a police car’s blinking light and hear a brief siren, I know immediately what I’m expected to do. I pull over. The policeman does not need to chase me down the road or use a loud speaker to tell me what he wants me to do. I respect his position of authority and respond accordingly.
Not everyone will respond in such a submissive manner when they see a police car. There are those who will defiantly keep going, even speeding up in an attempt to lose the police car. When this happens, the policeman will assert himself in a much bolder manner, even to the point of wrestling someone to the ground and putting him in handcuffs. This person obviously does not respect or trust the authority the police have over him. The result is unhappiness and mistrust.
It’s the same with children. The child who respects his mother will respond to the slightest correction, to the still small voice. The child who respects his mother will, even during play time, be tuned in to his mother — not out of fear but out of respect. At the same time, the mother who respects her child will be constantly aware of where the child is and what he is doing. She will not allow him to be disobedient or hateful to her. She will not allow him to bully or be mean to others. She will not allow him to get worked up to the point of a melt down or a temper tantrum. By interfering quickly, calmly and assertively, the child will play calmly, quietly and contentedly, trusting his mother to lead him.
This was truly life changing for me. People would see me correcting my child and wonder what he had done wrong. As far as they could see, he was not being disobedient or causing a problem. I knew different. I had noticed the subtle signs of a small boy beginning to get aggressive or beginning to be disrespectful. The boys could feel my look on the back of their heads as we sat several feet apart from each other in an auditorium. They could hear me snap my fingers and, without verbal or visual contact, correct their behavior immediately. Quickly and quietly correcting it showed respect for him by not allowing him to lose control. Calm assertive leadership brought about respect and trust.
Looking to our heavenly Father we see the same thing. God commands our love and respect by the love and respect He shows us. He gives us what we need. He sets the boundaries by instructing us in the way of righteousness. He doesn’t leave us guessing what He wants from us. He doesn’t leave us wondering what we are to do. He doesn’t beg, He doesn’t bargain, He doesn’t yell. We respond by showing Him love and respect, by being tuned in to His instruction and correction, by listening to His still small voice. When we follow His lead, we are happy, content and feel a sense of security knowing, trusting He will not lead us astray.
There are those who do not trust God, do not respect Him, do not love Him. These people will not respond to the simple truths God has given us in His Word. These people will think they are in control of their lives and think they are content and happy but are missing out on the happy, content, security they could have if they followed the true Leader. Just as a dog who has no pack leader will be aggressive and miserable, just like a criminal who must spend a life running and hiding from the civil leadership, just like an out of control child who has a mom who refuses to take the role of a calm assertive leader, the person who does not allow God to be the leader of his life will be insecure, discontent and unhappy.
My goal? To learn to be a respectful trusting follower of God, listening to His still small voice. To learn to be a calm assertive leader, giving my children a sense of security and confidence.
